Him

He spends his time getting paid to deliver flowers to all the women in san francisco who deserve these surprises.

He said he didn't want to spend christmas with me, although he said it's his favorite holiday.

I got him a plant, a mini mayan, calendar, and i made him a mini buddha shrine that took six hours to make.

He didn't give me anything.

He called me weak.

He wouldn't sleep over my house on my 25th birthday.

For my 26th birthday he traveled 239 miles, roughly, just to say we would never be.

He also gets paid for his art.

Everybody tells me how amazing he is because of course

He grew up in art schools

And is amazing at anything and everything else.

I watched him make his masterpiece. I let every insult he ever handed me slide so he could find peace in his work. 

And in the end, I wasn't there for the big unveiling, because he didn't want me to be. He said he didn't want the pressure of having to leave with me. Because I'm crazy, and it would ruin the piece.

He told me my photography irks him when I told him I was trying to get a photo show, and that he is never satisfied with me

I've written him at least a dozen love letters I've never sent.

There's one on my desk

 right now.

I've been crying since christmas, two years in a row.

He told me I forced him to tell me he loved me

For the last few

Weeks we were sleeping together.

He told me I'm unlovable.

He listened to me cry when my roommate lost his mind

The first time

When my roommate smashed me when no one was looking 

And I didn't know if I'd have a place to live

And told me to deal with it

And put a lease on his own studio.

I said, "i thought you wanted to sleep with me every night"

He said "I could never live with you, you would drive me insane."

The second time, in a new place,

I put a lease on an apartment instead of traveling so I could stay close to him,

Like he asked me to do.

my new roommate lost his mind, and put me out on the street,

He said 

I'm not that guy 

who will be there if you need me 

and I never will be.

So we departed and i let him go

Until he wrote to me in the streets

And i called him to ask him to leave me alone

And he insulted me 

And said he didn't have time to be my lover and my therapist.

So i forgave him.

He came back and fucked me twice.

I got all dressed up and ready to see him again,

And then he ignored my calls,

Stood me up,

And still again,

Im at it all night, pretending this pillow

Is his chest with no arms to put around me.

Nobody sees me, seeing him see everything and everyone else

 Like a worn out coat he's afraid to wear in public, but keeps him warm while he sleeps.

I told him i missed him

But i dont know who i miss anymore.

I guess i miss a liar,

When the liar said

If you come to me

He said
We will marry

He said
We will make art  

I will find a roof to put over our heads

We will travel the world

And i will be there whenever you need

Of course I love you, Baby.

You're the only one for me.

"Why would I ever want to date somebody who has problems with drugs?"

I tried to tell him he shouldn't, even though i stopped for him and i.

 "I don't know what love is."

It took him three years to figure that out.

I've been crying since christmas

And since the ball park, really.

And i can't get out

Of this city 

Even if i tried.

I've gone broke several times over

Just to get dinner with him

And pretend i've got my shit together.

And in the end

I am just like him.

I don't know what love is.

I thought it was a roof and a ring and a plan.

I thought it was a reason to wake up.

I thought it wad the scent he leaves in my room.

I thought it was him.

He gets paid to deliver flowers to all the women 

in san francisco who deserve these surprises, 

but I'm not one of them.