drug tales

Angel
Mike Baxter

Sitting on a dull green 60's era couch, miraculously unstained, she erratically painted her nails neon orange. She was topless, with her skin tight ripped jeans unbuttoned and unzipped revealing a leopard print thong. Her skin was red with lacerations from constant scratching and fidgeting. Her hair was tied back in a bun, completely removed from her "workspace," which was an antique coffee table with a glass top that had seen better days. As she leaned closer and closer to her fingers resting on the surface of the table, her glasses (which were very chic mind you) slipped all the way down to the tip of her nose. Annoyingly, she nudged them back into place with the back of her wrist, gave the tip of her nose a scratch with an unpainted nail, and then feverishly continued working. Her work was sloppy and ungraceful, with nail polish smeared around her cuticles and splattered on the glass top of the table. Strewn across the table top was a bevy of lighters, empty pen barrels, a near empty pack of cheap cigarettes and a homemade aluminum foil ashtray along with a frightening array of nicknacks and doodads. As to the functionality of these devices, anyone's guess is as good as the next.
A young man named Harley walks into the apartment through the front door. "Angel, babe, you here?" Harley says, wrestling with the keys in his hand and the slightly used stereo under his arm. "Yeah babe, I'm in here." shouts Angel. "Look what I found, some dumbass just left this sitting by their car." Harley said making his way into the living room. Angel noticed how his jaw was moving about seemingly with a mind of it's own. He must be tweaking Angel thinks. She doesn't mind though, she has a habit of her own. Besides, he fucks her like a bull on steroids when he's on that shit. "That's great babe, hey listen," Angel was not at all interested in Harley's find. "I need to borrow the car, Poncho's gonna break me off a half for givin him a ride." "Whatever, as long as all your doin is given him a ride," Harley says glaring at her. "Jesus fuckin Christ, it's not like I'm gonna suck his smelly unwashed cock!" Angel snags the keys and heads straight for the door. "You gonna put a shirt on first?" Harley shouts after her. "Shit!" mutters Angel as she zips into the bedroom. She emerges within seconds and finally makes it to the door. "Love you" Harley says almost sarcastically. "Yeah, yeah you love me, I get it." Angel says while beaming a smile at Harley.
Barreling down the freeway Angel was paying the upmost attention to the road and her speedometer as she was constantly on the lookout for The Man. She was normally relaxed and carefree but with Poncho in the passenger seat drinking a 211 Steel Reserve tall can, her nerves were caught in a vice. If pulled over, one might wonder what a twenty-something-year-old white girl from the suburbs was doing in the car with a half drunk, mid 50’s homeless Mexican convict. The answer was simple really, “oh him? He’s just my heroin dealer, don’t mind him.” This thought constantly raced through her mind as she drove steadily with the flow of traffic trying her hardest to "act natural" and damned if she wasn't pulling it off too. She just prayed that he be done with that tall can before they made the drive back home. “Well, at least he can’t talk and drink at the same time,” she thought.
Poncho broke his incessant rambling only to wave her over to the exit. Angel was in no mood for his small talk bullshit, for she was concentrating way to hard on driving and on top of that, The Sickness was already kicking in. He had to direct her at every turn; she was unfamiliar with the city, even though she grew up just ten minutes drive down the freeway. They finally arrived at a rundown mini market parking lot where Poncho directed her to park. In that same parking lot Poncho’s empty Steel Reserve can found its way out the window.
It’s there they waited, too anxious to talk, too anxious to do anything but stare at the clock on the car dashboard. After the longest seven minutes of Angel and Poncho’s lives, a beat to shit dark grey pick-up pulled into the lot bearing expired tags. She had seen this truck before, as well as the short and plump Mexican man who drove it, this was the man they came to meet. This was the man she drove Poncho to come see every day. This was the man who supplied him with his heroin. Only something was different this time, in the passenger seat was a little boy who couldn’t have been more than ten or twelve. Usually Poncho livens up when Berto pulls up, but this time he was overcome with a quiet sadness. He tried to hide it but it wouldn’t have mattered either way because Angel was not paying the slightest attention to Poncho. He slowly leaned in close to Angel to tell her something. She could tell he was about to speak, but she knew what he was about to say was not like the usual pointless drivel, so she listened. He said, “You see that boy in that truck,” “yeah I do,” replied Angel, speaking softly wondering where this was going, and also why he hasn’t gotten his ass out of the car to go get the shit. “That’s my grandson…only he doesn’t know it.” Poncho hesitated for a moment and continued, “He thinks Berto is his grandfather, a long time ago, while I was in prison, Berto stole my wife and family from me. When I got out, there was nothing or nobody left for me.” Angel didn't know what to say, so she said nothing. Berto got out of the truck, leaving the boy behind. He made his way into the store and Poncho followed him in. While they were in the store Angel started thinking about her father. She hadn't seen him in years, since he kicked her out of the house as a matter of fact. She didn't think too much about her father these days, she just buried the pain under a needle.
Poncho returned to the car and Berto his. "Wait till he leaves to start going." said Poncho. "Aren't you going to talk to him? Your grandson I mean." asked Angel. She almost sounded like she cared. "Nah, it's too late for that, my family is gone now, moved on. I chose drugs over them a long time ago, now I have to live with that. Besides it'd turn the poor little dude's world upside down, ya know?" For the first time Angel felt something for this man. She couldn't help but to relate to Poncho's situation. After her mother died, Angel turned to drugs to deal with the pain of her loss, thus abandoning her father when he needed her most. She still didn't understand why it was so easy for her father to throw her out, why it was necessary to choose one or the other. Why couldn't her father accept his daughter's habit and still have her in his life? But Poncho continued speaking before she could get a word in edge wise, "But hey fuck it, we're in for a treat, we got the real shit, not that black tar garbage. We got some gunpowder. Here's a half for you, be careful with this shit its way stronger then the black." All of Angel's confliction about her own family crisis disappeared the second she wrapped her fingers around that small brown chunk of bathtub manufactured bliss.
Off they went back into town, not mentioning a word about Poncho's grandson, and Angel didn't feel like sharing her own story of similar premise. In fact she wanted to bury those thoughts as deep into her gut as they could go. She dropped Poncho off at the towns central park where he hangs out with all the other local homeless, and promptly returned home. She had beads of sweat dripping out of seemingly every pore in her body and felt like she was burning up. It was a little after three and she hadn't had a shot since last night. She returned home to an empty apartment, Harley's bike was missing, she figured he was out delivering bags of cocaine to help pay the rent. The only thoughts on her mind at this point concerned turning brown powder into brown liquid then sending it off into her bloodstream.
She was already feeling the rush by the time the plunger was only three quarters of the way pushed down. Her pupils immediately pinned and she felt the warm pulsating feeling of escape take her body over as she fell back into the couch. The heroin was good, really good in fact, it put her into a state of nodding, where she is not fully asleep and not fully awake. She began to have visions of her as a young girl at her family home. It was her birthday party and no one was there except for Harley, who appeared the same age he is now. He was rudely demanding paper because he had to write some stupid story for class and that he should have stayed home instead. She became sad in her dream, not because of Harley, but because the one person she wanted there couldn't make it…her father. She began to sob, both in her dream and in real life. She awoke, but found herself paralyzed by tears. Not even in her dreams could she see her father, or even hear his voice. Heroin was no longer an escape from her rotten circumstance, it had become an extension of it.
She found herself fully awake on the couch, with dried up tears on her cheek. Harley was nowhere to be found, that was fine she preferred to be alone right now anyways. She stared at the dope for a good long while, and decided to jump in the shower to clear her head. She liked to just sit under the hot water for at least twenty minutes, and just relax. No one or no thing could get to her in the shower, she felt completely safe. She had never seen the movie "Psycho."
Not to long after she jumped in, Harley came bursting through the door. "Angel, babe, you here?" Harley shouted walking through the entrance. There was no answer but he soon heard the running water coming from the bathroom. He was coming down unusually hard from the speed, and was becoming unbearably depressed. He saw Angel's bag sitting on the coffee table. He had always been curious what it felt like to send the brown substance coursing through his veins. He'd seen Angel do it hundreds of times and thought of the expression of pure relief that came over her whole body when she did it. He decided to fix up, and do the shot in bed, after all he could use a nap.
Angel finally emerged from the shower. She felt rejuvenated, and came to terms once again with the situation between her and her father. She dried off and headed into the bedroom. When she entered she dropped her towel and was standing naked, exposed, staring at a blue Harley curled in bed laying in a puddle of his drool. His lips, fingers and toes had taken on a deep blue hue, his veins were popping out of his skin as if they were screaming for air. She knew immediately what had happened. He was still breathing although his breaths were shallow and few and far between. There was no time for tears as she propped him up and began trying to slap him awake. "Harley, Harley, wake up!" she pleaded at the top of her lungs. This went on for a few minutes but Harley was not responding. Her mind raced trying to remember all the tricks of the trade she had picked up from fellow junkies on how to revive a fallen soldier. She thought of an ice cold shower and tried to drag two hundred pounds of dead weight into the bathroom. Her weak body couldn't budge him, not even with the overwhelming adrenaline pumping through her skull. She franticly slapped him repeatedly in the face screaming out his name hoping for some sign of consciousness, but to no avail. She remembered a story, she thought too over the top to be true but she was desperate, Harley was on his way out. She raced into the kitchen yanking open the freezer spilling the ice tray, sending cubes darting across the unwashed tile. Her body tensed in frustration as she screamed aloud, “FUCK!” She felt something cold against her little tiny toes and picked it up. She cupped the cube in her hand to shrink its size, and made it more aerodynamic. She pulled off Harley's loose fit jeans and baggy boxers. There was no time for shame and awkwardness as she worked the ice cube into Harley's rectum. She pulled his pants back up as if she were covering up a crime scene. The shock of the cube and another mighty slap brought a flicker of life to his eyes and hope to her heart. Harley was slowly coming around as Angel repeatedly slapped him across the face screaming, "Stay with me, stay with me!"
"Why are you yelling at me." Harley could barely speak, and his words came across weak, and whiney. "Come on baby, you need to stand up, your going to throw up." Harley could barely walk, his body was feeble and he had to lean on Angel as he stumbled into the bathroom. He couldn't even make it down to the toilet before he started violently puking in the sink. "I'm so sorry, babe, I'm so sorry." Harley said with tears in his eyes and puke on his lips. "What are you sorry for baby? It's ok, your going to be fine, ok?" Angel said in a quiet soft voice with a gentle tear of relief sliding down her face.
Angel and Harley made their way back to bed. She made him lay on his side on top of towels and next to a trash can in case he had to puke again. She was sitting beside him, not letting him go to sleep. Then she started scurrying about the apartment, cleaning up the mess trying to keep her mind occupied all the while shouting at Harley demanding a response to keep him awake. After a few hours she laid down in bed next to Harley, she told him it was ok to pass out and he was asleep in seconds. Angel lay in bed, the gravity of the events that had just unfolded began to hit her. She thought of her father, what if that had been her lying there all blue with her eyes rolled into the back of her head. For the first time she saw things from her father’s perspective. A man, after losing his wife to cancer, could not bear to watch his daughter kill herself. She drifted to sleep, making a promise to herself that she would never be the one laying in bed turning blue.
"Where are you going." asked Harley as a fully dressed Angel was slipping out the bedroom door. Angel, with a nervous smile, looked him straight in the eyes with for what felt like an eternity and replied, "Home." Harley looked at her with a puzzled face and did not say a word as he watched her leave.
A taxi is waiting for her in the apartment complex parking lot and she tells the driver her home address. The driver immediately picks up on Angels need for silence and quietly heads toward their destination. Angel stares out the window as the cab rolls through her old neighborhood, she had not been to this part of town since the last time she saw her father. All the houses were the same, nothing was new except a few paintjobs and newer SUVs. The cab pulled up in front of her house. It was the second nicest house on the block, one of only two two-story homes. The house was exactly how she remembered it, nothing had changed, it was still the same dull grey color with a light blue-green trim. Angel sits in the backseat of the cab, for a moment ignoring the drivers request for the fare. She stares out at her lonely house, strong but empty, just like her father. "Ma'm, please." She finally pays the driver and leaves him a handsome tip. She lights up a cigarette as her knees begin to shake and her gut tightens as she makes her way up the concrete walkway to the front door. She takes a deep breath and slowly exhales a cloud of smoke as she rings the door bell. A tall man in his early sixties, who looks damned good for his age answers the door. The pair lock eyes and are equally surprised at who's souls they are staring into. Angel is staring at her father, begging with her eyes for him to say something, anything, she just needs to hear his voice. She just needs to hear his voice and it will all be ok.
"You look like hell…" the man says with a discerning smile spreading across his once solemn face.
"I'm ready to come home."

I can read this 40 times over

SONG FOR THE GOAT
by

my dearest

L. RAWSON

Ever since Tommy went up to Tulsa to work at that tire shop, Ma has been poppin’ them pills. I never took her for the type. Onliest person I knowed to take them things was Mr. Graves, ‘course he had ‘em prescribed by a doctor in Little Rock on account of his bad back. But Ma see, she don’t have no kind of prescription but she’s been poppin’ them pills and still on the drink for near two months now. She don’t move off that couch. Just last week when Michelle got sick I said to her, "Ma, Michelle ought to be taken to the store for some tussin." But she just layed there on that couch not movin’ a muscle, lookin’ like the good Lord done come down and put a glaze over her eyes so’n she can’t see past the damn television set. So when Michelle wouldn’t stop coughin’ and wheezin’, I took it upon myself to bring her over to Ted’s Pharmacy in the Ford. You oughta seen me in the thing. I could barely see over the dashboard on account of the truck bein’ a 450 Diesel and me bein’ only thirteen. But I got us there none the less. Walked right in and asked Mr. Ted if’n I could have some tussin on loan.
I said, "Mr. Ted, Michelle done caught sick and she need some tussin. But on account of us bein’ poor right now, I can’t offer up any sort of money. But sir, if’n you could find it in your heart…"
As his eyes sunk like a pair of marbles, he cut me off sayin’, "Sandy, take the Tussin. Ain’t no charge for the Rodgers when someone catch sick, you oughta know that honey."
I thanked him and walked back out to the truck to find who but Jim Eggers and little Eddy Warren playin’ in the dirt right there in the bed of the pickup.
"You know there’s cow shit in that dirt, right?" I said.
Right then and there they both stopped dead, looked at each other, laughed, then started heavin’ the dirt at me instead. I tell you them boys were never no good.
Toward the end of that summer me and Michelle sort of got used to Ma and them pills. We never knowed where she got ‘em from, only that she had an ample supply and that they made her useless to us kids. It was sorta hard havin’ both of my older brothers gone, Tommy up in Tulsa and Doug God-knows-where on the road. When school started up I took it upon myself to get Michelle up before the sun, fix her a little sandwich for lunch, and walk her over to the schoolyard. After that, I’d go back inside, try and pick up our rooms and the rest of the house a little, fix myself something for lunch, then walk on to school. I was goin’ into seventh grade that year and I had big plans on makin’ new friends and gettin’ smart. Before Dad moved out he used to tell me, "Now Sandy, take any opportunity you got to get you schoolin’. Get smart. Don’t be like me and your Ma."
Marble Middle School was pretty much in the dead center of town. Right south of it was the tracks that separated the colors of town, one side bein’ white Marble and the other side bein’ black Marble. The school was on the white side and I had to cross the tracks from the South to get to there each morning. I remember that first day of seventh grade like it was yesterday. I was on my way to the school, just crossed the tracks and was heading up Division Street when I seen all the kids gathered outside of the school, waitin’ for it to open up I suppose. I thought nothing of the direction I was comin’ from, but as I made it up to where the other kids was standin’, everyone got silent and stared at me like I was a sick dog. Jim Eggers was there and he said, "Everyone, y’all know Sandy, right? She from Niggertown. Live right South of them tracks." Right then everybody started laughing. I got red as a summer tomato but tried to hide my shame. I said, "Couldn’t help but been born there. Rodgers been on the same land since my great Granddaddy." I thought I saved myself but Eggers had to chime in, "And they still don’t got electricity!"
The year was destined for certain grief. Although I made sure to never arrive again as early as I did that first day, the other kids always seemed to ignore me. It was real hard to make friends with everyone thinkin’ that your family ain’t worth nothing. See, even though it was 1976, Marble was stuck in a time of the past. There was barely six hundred people in the community then, most bein’ white. Niggertown, the place South of the tracks where I was from, had only about twenty families living there. All were black but mine, and as I later learned, Jim Crow was still the law of the land.
Because of the situation with Ma, and because my Daddy was gone and wasn’t never comin’ back, I grew up kind of fast. I learned to take care of Michelle pretty easy. She was quiet enough most of the time and we was close enough in age to talk as friends, bein’ only three years apart. Seventh and eighth grade passed quickly, and before I knew it I was in high school. And that’s when and where everything changed. By the time I got to the ninth grade, Ma had years on the pills and booze. She had learned to function in her own way, on account of her bein’ on them all the time. It became normal for her. She still didn’t have a job, so it was up to me to support the three of us. I was fifteen and held a full time job and still went to school as often as I could. I remember them days. I remember that school and that office. Back then Time was nonexistent. I created it each morning, pushed it forward each afternoon, and turned it off each night. I had complete control, and even though life was harder’n hell, I knew I was destined for good things.
I always woke up ten minutes before my alarm was to go off. I don’t know why, but I guess my body just knew it was time to start the day. I met Scott Prine on a Tuesday. I remember because Tuesdays Ma was supposed to get her disability check, but that Tuesday it never came and was never gonna come again. But before I found out about all that, I got up and went about my day as usual. I got Michelle ready for school, walked her out and waited for the bus, then came back inside and got ready for school myself. It was Spring then, I can remember it clear as day. The mornin’ was already givin’ off lots of humidity and I knew it was gonna be a hot one. I picked out a light yellow dress that grandma Annie gave me when I was a little girl. It never fit me until that Spring Tuesday when I was sixteen and was really starting to look like a woman ought to.
I never had no boyfriends up until that point. Never took any interest in boys really, I guess on account of being so busy all the time with takin’ care of Michelle and Ma and all. But when I saw Scott Prine, I thought he was the handsomest boy in the world. When he saw me looking at him, he came right up to me, walkin’ like he didn’t have no care in the world.
"Hello, miss. My name is Scott Prine. I come from Memphis. Who might you be?"
He had a funny accent, too. A city boy. Before I could answer him I took the time to size him up. Looked like he just walked off a movie set or somethin’, wearin’ new blue jeans and with his hair slicked back all tight-like.
"Well if I can’t know your name can I walk you to class?"
Imagine, a boy sixteen years old, new to town, asking me my name and if he could walk me to class.
"I suppose you could." I finally said. Then and there he took my hand and if the good Lord didn’t put somethin’ in this boy that made him think he was a man I don’t know who did.
"I’m new to town, see. From Memphis, like I say before. My Daddy done bought twelve acres south of them tracks, right past the school there. Yep, moved me and him out here and decided he wanted a farm. Said Memphis was a bad city for a boy like me. Said we oughta humble ourselves a little bit. Would you believe that? Who ever thought of humblin’ yourself? Say, what is your name anyway? Figure if I’m holdin’ your hand I got some right to know."
"Sandy Rodgers." I blinked, blushed, and blinked again.
"Well if your name don’t match the color of your dress. I say Sandy, you sure are pretty. I’d like to get to know you."
"Well right now I should get to class, then I have a four-hour shift, and then I have to go home. But if you got nothin’ better to do after supper time, why don’t you come down to my house. I live in the small blue ranch ‘bout a mile and a half south of them tracks you was talkin’ about before. There’s a red Ford in the drive. Can’t miss it."
His eyes lit up like the light of day and he said, "Well then, maybe I will!"
I could not for the life of me concentrate at work that afternoon. Old Bill kept sayin’ there must be somethin’ on my mind if I couldn’t so much as file a paper in the right order. He let me go an hour early sayin’ something like, "You young girls get stranger by the day."
When I got home Michelle was sittin’ on the porch with her head between her knees. I saw little clear tears on her cheeks when I came up to her and I asked what was wrong. She said that Ma was dead.
Inside I saw the old woman in her usual spot on the couch lookin’ lifeless as ever. I walked up to her and tried to rouse her but she didn’t budge none. She wasn’t dead, just passed out and about as useless as ever.
"Why’d you said she was dead?" I asked Michelle.
"I thought she was, she ain’t moved since I got home from school."
"Did you cash the check like you is supposed to every Tuesday?" I asked.
Michelle was silent.
"Well, you couldn’t remember to cash the damn check? I go to school, go to work, come home, and you couldn’t do the one thing that you is supposed to do every Tuesday? If you ain’t dumber than dumb, girl. You know we need that money."
I walked down the drive to the post box but there wasn’t nothin’ in it.
"Well if the check ain’t in the post box, and you didn’t cash it, then just where the hell is it Michelle?"
Michelle started tearin’ up again, gettin’ shaky all over.
"It didn’t never come." she said.
"It never came." I corrected her and walked inside.
I didn’t make any supper that night on account of Ma being passed out worse’n ever and Michelle holed up in her room. I searched the house for the check but it must’ve really never come because it wasn’t nowhere to be found. And at about half past seven, who did I see walking down the road toward the house but that boy Scott Prine. It was his walk and the way he carried himself that defined him so. Not one hair on his head moved a lick since I saw him at school, his blue jeans were still clean and shiny, and he was smoking a cigarette as he strolled down the road the way that he did, kicking back dirt with his leather heels. I couldn’t believe my eyes or my heart when they both fluterred at the same time.
"This here house reminds me of my Mammy’s in Memphis, all dilapidated-like." He said.
"Well if that ain’t a way of sayin’ good evening."
"No ma’am, I don’t mean it in no bad way, just is what it is, you know?"
"What I know is that you must be the bravest boy this side of the tracks comin’ over here talkin’ like that and expectin’ me to invite you in."
His eyes, Lord. I had not noticed them in school because I was doin’ my best to not look at him on account of everything happening so fast, him approaching me and all. But his eyes. They were bluer than sapphire, yes sir.
"Whyn’t you come down here and say hello, Sandy?" he says.
As I walk down the front porch steps the evening dew sets in. All at once, see. My Sandy-yellow dress becomes paper, then becomes air, then is nothing. With the setting sun on his side he sees me for all a woman’s-worth, all exposed and vulnerable. The black pin-points of his eyes swell in the sapphire like ink in water and he is moved. He don’t stand there so sharp like he was a minute ago. Now he recedes and throws his cigarette butt to the dirt, taking out a comb to check his hair.
"If I oughta truthful, I oughta be crazy." I say. "I didn’t think you’d show."
"My faith brought me down here. Not no faith in the Lord or in the Devil, but my faith in you, Sandy."
If’n this here boy didn’t know exactly the right things to say at the right time, I don’t know who does. Right off the movie set, like I said before.
"Well, should we go inside so I can meet Mr. and Mrs. Rodgers." He asked.
"Now, why would we do a thing like that? You wait here, mister, and I’m gonna go inside and get a dollar. We’ll go down to the Taste-E-Freeze and get us something to cool you off."
When I turn I stop Time. He will stand there motionless until I come back, cheerful and skippy, ready to walk to town in the Spring night’s air. Until my return he is only could-be, and as he waits he is only want-to, and if I don’t return we will be nothing. But I go inside to get that dollar and to tell Michelle to look after Ma until I get back. I wanted to try for us to be some-thing.

A friend of mine wrote...

http://sfsurvivalguide.wordpress.com/

Know Your Homeless
Posted by jeremy tyler garcia on 07/25/2011
I wrote this a long time ago for a different blog. It was really the foundation for SFSG. It’s pretty long so hang in there. I’ll try to make the other ones very short in comparison.
First impressions are everything. In all aspects of life. Dating, career, meeting new people, etc. If you don’t have the beginning down, you’re gonna fail. Below are a list of people who have that down! They are model examples of the biggest occupation: Beggar. Obviously there are other styles, but these are the heavy hitters. I went ahead and made a game out of it. See if you can find all of these in one day, and then attempt the bonus points! It’s a homeless scavenger hunt!
Title: “The Crier”How to spot them: This is a primarily female realm. They’re easy to spot from a distance because they’re usually wailing and screaming. Once spotted, you can see them flailing their arms. Once you’re REALLY close, you see the waterworks.What to do: Proceed with caution. There are two types of criers: 1) The ones who LOOK like they’re yelling for help, but they’re actually so spun that they have no idea you’re even there. And 2) The ones who are ACTUALLY yelling at you. I have found the most effective solution is to give them a cold look and then send a text or make a phone call. They’ll curse at you and probably scream harder, but the fact is, they’re already on the radar of any police officers present, so if they pursue violence, it’ll be stopped very shortly.Where to find them: The Tenderloin mostly. Occasionally there’s some in Union Square.BONUS POINTS! Start crying to one. See if you can get them to stop crying out of confusion.
Title: “The Entertainer”How to spot them: The Entertainer is not a shy brand. They like a lot of attention, and the more people around them, the better. Odds are, they are jumping out of bushes, playing music, dancing, or painted silver and doing an incredibly long robot session. Don’t assume that all of them are just in it for the money. After some research, I have found that the performers, especially at Powell, actually just do it because there’s always people who wanna dance there. However, if you look like a tourist, you’re gonna fork over some cash.What to do: If you ARE interest in what they’re doing, watch from a distance, and change your vantage point every so often. The Entertainers usually have some of their crew looking around the area for spectators, and then they’ll approach you and intimidate you until you either leave or move in closer, where you’ll be trapped with the German tourist families. If you aren’t interested, keep walking. The plus side of these kinds of beggars is they’re posted up in a specific spot because they usually have gear with them. They won’t bug you if you’re passing through.Where to find them: Union Square, Powell Turn Around, Fisherman’s Wharf, Pier 39Bonus Points: Build a robot (or robot shaped mannequin…whichever is easier) and challenge the Silver Men to stand more still than it.
Title: “The Helping Hand”How to Spot Them: Look curbside. They’re usually waving down cars into empty parking spots. Another sure-fire way to find them is pull out a map in touristy areas and look confused. Truth be told, they are very helpful. But the catch is they expect compensation for being a good Samaritan.What to do: Know the city. If you don’t, pull the map out inside of shops, then figure out your route. Have a member of your party get out and hold parking spots if you need to pull around the block. Or have the person you’re meeting do it.Where to find them: Union Square, Powell, Fisherman’s Wharf, Any area with minimal parking.BONUS POINTS! Find them a parking space, or tell them how to get to Pier 39.
Title: “The Jokester”How to Spot Them: Look for cardboard signs. More often than not, there is some sort of joke or witty line. They’re hoping their originality will score points with you. Unfortunately, I always thought that if you really WERE that broke and hungry, you would give up on wit. These are not to be confused with Street Kids. I’ll explain why later.What to do: Act unimpressed by their signage. If you ARE amused, hold it in until they can’t see your reaction. If you do, they might take your appreciation as “Sure, I’ll give you a dollar.”Where to find them: Basically anywhere.BONUS POINTS! Create a response sign pointing out any grammatical errors they might have and just stand in front of them holding it. For example, if their sign says “Smile if your having a good day,” hold one that says “YOU’RE not getting my change.”
Title: “The Street Kid”How to Spot Them: Sitting on a curb with a few friends, drinking beer, smoking weed, and holding a dog on a leash. They have backpacks filled to the brim, and are usually wearing clothing of the punk or metal persuasion. The truth behind them is, they’re all from Marin county and come down here to appear like part of the Haight scene. Think of them as cheap copies of the original hippies, except improper attire and living off their parent’s credit cards. They usually steal a page out of The Jokesters’ book, but the difference is, the Jokester is amused by themselves and don’t point out their jokes…the street kids draw attention to their “creativity” and want you to make note of it. Usually this “creativity” is a sign that reads “Beer and Pot money.”What to do: Ignore them. Glare at them. Make fun of Black Flag as you pass. When they ask for a cigarette, pull one out and walk away as you light it. They never react. Daddy will take away the car if they get busted for assault.Where to find them: Upper Haight, Hippy Hill, and sometimes the MissionBONUS POINTS! Start a fight with one.
Title: “The Game Master”How to Spot Them: Often confused for Entertainers. This rare breed have a full-on shtick that they stick to. Yours truly has actually fallen victim to them and lost 40 bucks out of it. They’re often on buses. They approach you with a game (in my case it was the ball and 3 cups game). You play a round or a few with no bet…then they bet a dollar or so for a couple rounds until you’re a few bucks ahead. Then they play for “nothing.” When you win, they cut you a “deal” where you place a bet and get it back “because you already won!” Any smart person knows that’s the hook (don’t get me wrong…I tried to back away here). That’s where the muscle comes in. Their “boys” come in and tell you to place a bet. Honestly…I was never more scared of being jumped in this city. So you place the bet. BUT GUESS WHAT. In the time you took to finally cave, they switched the cup, card, dice, whatever…and you lost. And they walk away. Right before I was hustled, I saw a girl lose 100 bucks in 2 minutes. They make their living off tourists mostly.What to do: Don’t even acknowledge them. They don’t approach you unless you have an interest in the game. If they DO approach you, head to the front of the bus, and/or get off at the next stop. They won’t follow you…there’s more people to hustle.Where to find them: Union, Powell, Fisherman’s Wharf, Pier 39, on buses. They might stick to the 71. That’s where it happened to me, and then later I read a blog about how someone saw this happen on the 71. It might have been me. It was around the time the blog was published and they said he lost 40 bucks.BONUS POINTS! Pull out a deck of Uno Cards and challenge him to a round “for no bet.”
Title: “The DMX”How to Spot Them: They see you before you see them. These are the ones to avoid. Fully motivated by money or drugs, and have nothing else in their arsenal besides fear. Sometimes people are mistaken as DMX’es. Odds are, especially in this city, the people who SEEM like them are only doing it so THEY don’t get hassled….or it’s so they can get laid. Who knows?What to do: Get in a crowded area. No one mugs someone when there’s odds of a hero jumping forward. If there is no crowd, throw the fear back. Think of them as a bear. Throw your arms up, make loud noises, run down a hill. Act fucking nuts. If you seem more cracked out than him, he probably won’t mess with you.Where to find them: Bayview/Hunter’s Point, Excelsior, occasionally the Tenderloin, and very rarely The Mission.
Title: “The Used Car Salesman”How to Spot Them: These are probably most common, especially in the downtown areas. Homeless aren’t stupid (eh…). They know how many of them are around. So how do they stay above the other homeless? Pretend to not be homeless. Easiest way to spot them is to see one approaching, and then they open with “Do you have a minute?” It doesn’t matter if you have a minute…you’re getting a pitch. Their story often includes, where they just got off the plane from, how they need a couple dollars for Bart, a hostel, rent, etc. And then they follow by assuring you they’re legitimate because they’re a veteran/college grad/school teacher/etc. They have a script and they stick to it. There’s no stopping them until they know you’re giving them money, or wasting their time. Sometimes they’re literally SELLING you something. Those are easier to avoid. Solution: walk away.What to do: Interrupt them. Stop them early. They get really upset if they waste their breath on an empty sale.Where to find them: Tenderloin, Civic Center, Powell, and pretty much anywhere else has some of them. The ones who are selling things are usually in Civic Center, or 16th and Mission BartBONUS POINTS! Ask very specific questions about their story. Call shenanigans.
Title: “The Good ol’ Bum”How to spot them: Go downtown and open your eyes. You’ll see a few. They’ve tried the tricks. They know it doesn’t work. So know they sit with their cup and simply ask for change on occasion.What to do: Up to you. To give change, or not to give change? That is the question.Where to find them: San Francisco has the highest per capita homelessness rate of any major city in the United States (according to the Coalition on Homelessness, SF)……you’ll find them.BONUS POINTS! Give them your leftovers. At least they didn’t try and hustle you.

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Until next time,Jeremy