A friend of mine wrote...

http://sfsurvivalguide.wordpress.com/

Know Your Homeless
Posted by jeremy tyler garcia on 07/25/2011
I wrote this a long time ago for a different blog. It was really the foundation for SFSG. It’s pretty long so hang in there. I’ll try to make the other ones very short in comparison.
First impressions are everything. In all aspects of life. Dating, career, meeting new people, etc. If you don’t have the beginning down, you’re gonna fail. Below are a list of people who have that down! They are model examples of the biggest occupation: Beggar. Obviously there are other styles, but these are the heavy hitters. I went ahead and made a game out of it. See if you can find all of these in one day, and then attempt the bonus points! It’s a homeless scavenger hunt!
Title: “The Crier”How to spot them: This is a primarily female realm. They’re easy to spot from a distance because they’re usually wailing and screaming. Once spotted, you can see them flailing their arms. Once you’re REALLY close, you see the waterworks.What to do: Proceed with caution. There are two types of criers: 1) The ones who LOOK like they’re yelling for help, but they’re actually so spun that they have no idea you’re even there. And 2) The ones who are ACTUALLY yelling at you. I have found the most effective solution is to give them a cold look and then send a text or make a phone call. They’ll curse at you and probably scream harder, but the fact is, they’re already on the radar of any police officers present, so if they pursue violence, it’ll be stopped very shortly.Where to find them: The Tenderloin mostly. Occasionally there’s some in Union Square.BONUS POINTS! Start crying to one. See if you can get them to stop crying out of confusion.
Title: “The Entertainer”How to spot them: The Entertainer is not a shy brand. They like a lot of attention, and the more people around them, the better. Odds are, they are jumping out of bushes, playing music, dancing, or painted silver and doing an incredibly long robot session. Don’t assume that all of them are just in it for the money. After some research, I have found that the performers, especially at Powell, actually just do it because there’s always people who wanna dance there. However, if you look like a tourist, you’re gonna fork over some cash.What to do: If you ARE interest in what they’re doing, watch from a distance, and change your vantage point every so often. The Entertainers usually have some of their crew looking around the area for spectators, and then they’ll approach you and intimidate you until you either leave or move in closer, where you’ll be trapped with the German tourist families. If you aren’t interested, keep walking. The plus side of these kinds of beggars is they’re posted up in a specific spot because they usually have gear with them. They won’t bug you if you’re passing through.Where to find them: Union Square, Powell Turn Around, Fisherman’s Wharf, Pier 39Bonus Points: Build a robot (or robot shaped mannequin…whichever is easier) and challenge the Silver Men to stand more still than it.
Title: “The Helping Hand”How to Spot Them: Look curbside. They’re usually waving down cars into empty parking spots. Another sure-fire way to find them is pull out a map in touristy areas and look confused. Truth be told, they are very helpful. But the catch is they expect compensation for being a good Samaritan.What to do: Know the city. If you don’t, pull the map out inside of shops, then figure out your route. Have a member of your party get out and hold parking spots if you need to pull around the block. Or have the person you’re meeting do it.Where to find them: Union Square, Powell, Fisherman’s Wharf, Any area with minimal parking.BONUS POINTS! Find them a parking space, or tell them how to get to Pier 39.
Title: “The Jokester”How to Spot Them: Look for cardboard signs. More often than not, there is some sort of joke or witty line. They’re hoping their originality will score points with you. Unfortunately, I always thought that if you really WERE that broke and hungry, you would give up on wit. These are not to be confused with Street Kids. I’ll explain why later.What to do: Act unimpressed by their signage. If you ARE amused, hold it in until they can’t see your reaction. If you do, they might take your appreciation as “Sure, I’ll give you a dollar.”Where to find them: Basically anywhere.BONUS POINTS! Create a response sign pointing out any grammatical errors they might have and just stand in front of them holding it. For example, if their sign says “Smile if your having a good day,” hold one that says “YOU’RE not getting my change.”
Title: “The Street Kid”How to Spot Them: Sitting on a curb with a few friends, drinking beer, smoking weed, and holding a dog on a leash. They have backpacks filled to the brim, and are usually wearing clothing of the punk or metal persuasion. The truth behind them is, they’re all from Marin county and come down here to appear like part of the Haight scene. Think of them as cheap copies of the original hippies, except improper attire and living off their parent’s credit cards. They usually steal a page out of The Jokesters’ book, but the difference is, the Jokester is amused by themselves and don’t point out their jokes…the street kids draw attention to their “creativity” and want you to make note of it. Usually this “creativity” is a sign that reads “Beer and Pot money.”What to do: Ignore them. Glare at them. Make fun of Black Flag as you pass. When they ask for a cigarette, pull one out and walk away as you light it. They never react. Daddy will take away the car if they get busted for assault.Where to find them: Upper Haight, Hippy Hill, and sometimes the MissionBONUS POINTS! Start a fight with one.
Title: “The Game Master”How to Spot Them: Often confused for Entertainers. This rare breed have a full-on shtick that they stick to. Yours truly has actually fallen victim to them and lost 40 bucks out of it. They’re often on buses. They approach you with a game (in my case it was the ball and 3 cups game). You play a round or a few with no bet…then they bet a dollar or so for a couple rounds until you’re a few bucks ahead. Then they play for “nothing.” When you win, they cut you a “deal” where you place a bet and get it back “because you already won!” Any smart person knows that’s the hook (don’t get me wrong…I tried to back away here). That’s where the muscle comes in. Their “boys” come in and tell you to place a bet. Honestly…I was never more scared of being jumped in this city. So you place the bet. BUT GUESS WHAT. In the time you took to finally cave, they switched the cup, card, dice, whatever…and you lost. And they walk away. Right before I was hustled, I saw a girl lose 100 bucks in 2 minutes. They make their living off tourists mostly.What to do: Don’t even acknowledge them. They don’t approach you unless you have an interest in the game. If they DO approach you, head to the front of the bus, and/or get off at the next stop. They won’t follow you…there’s more people to hustle.Where to find them: Union, Powell, Fisherman’s Wharf, Pier 39, on buses. They might stick to the 71. That’s where it happened to me, and then later I read a blog about how someone saw this happen on the 71. It might have been me. It was around the time the blog was published and they said he lost 40 bucks.BONUS POINTS! Pull out a deck of Uno Cards and challenge him to a round “for no bet.”
Title: “The DMX”How to Spot Them: They see you before you see them. These are the ones to avoid. Fully motivated by money or drugs, and have nothing else in their arsenal besides fear. Sometimes people are mistaken as DMX’es. Odds are, especially in this city, the people who SEEM like them are only doing it so THEY don’t get hassled….or it’s so they can get laid. Who knows?What to do: Get in a crowded area. No one mugs someone when there’s odds of a hero jumping forward. If there is no crowd, throw the fear back. Think of them as a bear. Throw your arms up, make loud noises, run down a hill. Act fucking nuts. If you seem more cracked out than him, he probably won’t mess with you.Where to find them: Bayview/Hunter’s Point, Excelsior, occasionally the Tenderloin, and very rarely The Mission.
Title: “The Used Car Salesman”How to Spot Them: These are probably most common, especially in the downtown areas. Homeless aren’t stupid (eh…). They know how many of them are around. So how do they stay above the other homeless? Pretend to not be homeless. Easiest way to spot them is to see one approaching, and then they open with “Do you have a minute?” It doesn’t matter if you have a minute…you’re getting a pitch. Their story often includes, where they just got off the plane from, how they need a couple dollars for Bart, a hostel, rent, etc. And then they follow by assuring you they’re legitimate because they’re a veteran/college grad/school teacher/etc. They have a script and they stick to it. There’s no stopping them until they know you’re giving them money, or wasting their time. Sometimes they’re literally SELLING you something. Those are easier to avoid. Solution: walk away.What to do: Interrupt them. Stop them early. They get really upset if they waste their breath on an empty sale.Where to find them: Tenderloin, Civic Center, Powell, and pretty much anywhere else has some of them. The ones who are selling things are usually in Civic Center, or 16th and Mission BartBONUS POINTS! Ask very specific questions about their story. Call shenanigans.
Title: “The Good ol’ Bum”How to spot them: Go downtown and open your eyes. You’ll see a few. They’ve tried the tricks. They know it doesn’t work. So know they sit with their cup and simply ask for change on occasion.What to do: Up to you. To give change, or not to give change? That is the question.Where to find them: San Francisco has the highest per capita homelessness rate of any major city in the United States (according to the Coalition on Homelessness, SF)……you’ll find them.BONUS POINTS! Give them your leftovers. At least they didn’t try and hustle you.

Did you join in for the bonus points? Let me know in the comments if you did, or let me know on twitter.
Until next time,Jeremy